One time too many
by kiwibrazilian89
Summary: Beckett has pushed Castle away one too many times, and he's had enough. Convinced that her obsession with her mothers case will result in her death, Castle shuts Beckett out of his life for good. Will she be able to find her way forward without him? And will Castle ever forgive her for making the wrong choice when it mattered most? Starts during 4x23, then AU
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine. There is some dialogue from 4x23 included in this chapter.**

**Description: Beckett has pushed Castle away one too many times, and he's had enough. Convinced that her obsession with her mothers case will result in her death, Castle shuts Beckett out of his life for good. Will she be able to find her way forward without him? And will Castle ever forgive her for making the wrong choice when it mattered most? Starts during 4x23, then AU**

* * *

Detective Kate Beckett knocked on the door of the Castle residence. It had never looked so imposing before, and she had never been so nervous in her entire life.

There was no time to change her mind and leave before Castle jerked the door open, his eyes hardening in icy fury and jaw clenching tightly as he registered her standing there. Staring up at him through tear-stained eyes she opened her mouth to speak but faltered under the intensity of the anger in his eyes. He continued to glare down at her, every muscle in his body tense as he demanded flatly, "Beckett, what do you want?"

Meeting his glare as her eyes started to tear up, she simply replied. "You."

Although he tried to hide it, Kate's keenly trained eyes saw the split second of hope that crossed Castle's face. It was enough. Pushing aside her insecurities, she took two quick steps towards him, ignoring the way her stomach dropped as he backed away. One more step and she reached him, pulling his head towards her and standing on her tip-toes to kiss him as tears began to stream down her face.

She felt him freeze, his hands grasping helplessly at the air beside her as he resisted her attempts to reconnect with him. Sliding her hands down to his shoulders she apologized, begging desperately for his forgiveness. "I'm so sorry Castle. I'm so sorry." She kissed him again, hoping he would understand what she was trying to express physically even if his mind refused to process her words emotionally. Voice breaking she whispered once more, "I'm so sorry."

Finally forcing his body to respond, Castle grabbed her wrists and pushed her away, keeping her at arms distance as he stared down at her angrily. She returned his gaze with complete vulnerability in her eyes, showing him all the emotions she usually kept so carefully guarded, letting him see exactly how deeply she cared for him. She could see the wall he was building behind his glazed over eyes, the insurmountable emotional chasm between them, but felt helpless to stop its progress.

When Castle spoke, his voice was hard, laced with bitterness and covered in ice. "It's too late for apologies Beckett. You made your decision." The words hit her like a bullet, making her stomach churn and knocking the breath out of her lungs. Gasping for air she pleaded with him.

"Castle, I know you're angry but please hear me out." He let go of her wrists, but only for a split second as he moved his hands to her shoulders and gently pushed her further away, still unable to ever hurt her physically in spite of the agony being near her was causing him. Meeting her tear filled eyes with his own stony gaze, Castle shook his head and replied in a deadened monotone through barely moving lips.

"I'm not angry, Beckett. Not this time. You had my heart but you've broken it so many times there's nothing left. I'm empty" The agony in his eyes made it clear to her that he was deceiving himself, he still loved her, he must still love her.

Kate struggled to breathe, pulling ragged gasps of air into her lungs as her mind refused to accept his words. "Castle, please, just give me a chance to fix this."

Castle's body squared off, his stance both intimidating and imposing. All previous traces of emotion were gone and his face was impassive, unreadable. "I'm not a case for you to piece together, Beckett. I said I was done, and I meant it." Releasing her shoulders, he took two large strides toward the door and held it open for her to leave.

Blinking back tears Kate walked towards the door, pausing just before crossing the threshold. With her back to Castle she looked down at the ground and whispered huskily, "I almost died, Castle. And all I could think about was you. I just want you." She did not dare to look back for his response, choosing instead to flee towards the safety of the elevator. She was halfway down the corridor before she heard Castle's broken reply, barely loud enough for her ears to process.

"Goodbye Kate." He slammed his front door shut with utter finality.

* * *

Beckett managed to stay on her feet until the elevator arrived, collapsing in tears only once it slid closed behind her. Her mind swam as she replayed the conversation over and over. The doorman helped her to her feet when she reached the ground floor and upon seeing the dazed look in her eyes, hailed a cab for her, directing the driver to take her home. She found it within herself to recite her address and leaned back against the seat, head throbbing and tears stubbornly refusing to stop flowing from her already bloodshot eyes.

Twenty minutes later she found herself stumbling out of the taxi and up into her apartment. She turned down her blinds and crawled into bed, hoping beyond hope that this was all nothing more than a nightmare. As the events of the day flooded over her in an overwhelming cacophony of sounds and images, she pulled the covers over her head and let herself float away in a blissful black sea of nothingness.

* * *

Now and then she opened her eyes to an irritating tune blaring insistently from the phone next to her bed. She knew she should respond in some way, but she could not remember why it mattered. Nothing mattered anymore. Besides, she was tired, she'd respond later, whoever it was. Her exhausted mind crawled back into the darkness that was becoming familiar and comforting.

* * *

The next sound she heard was a voice she vaguely recognized yelling "NYPD, open up!" It was too loud, and she was not ready to face the world. She was not quite sure why, but she knew that she wanted to stay in this pleasant haze for as long as possible.

The yelling continued though, "NYPD! NYPD! Open up!" Then there was a crashing sound as wood splintered. She heard footsteps approaching her. She knew she should load her gun, she should be prepared, there were so many people who wanted to kill her. But her eyelids were too heavy to open and her limbs felt like lead, so instead she lay still until she felt hands on her shoulders shaking her, calling her name, refusing to leave her alone.

"Beckett! Are you hurt?" A male voice. Someone she knew at one point in her life.

She struggled to open her eyes enough to make out a blurry form above her as her mind slowly reconnected with reality. The fear in the voice of the man shaking her cut through to something instinctive within her, a drive to reassure this person that she was unharmed, that they did not need to worry.

Her voice croaked from disuse, "I'm fine."

She finally managed to open her eyes fully, and recognized Esposito sitting on the side of her bed, his hands on her shoulders. Ryan was kneeling next to her bed looking terrified. Frowning, she demanded to know why they were there.

"Espo, what's wrong?"

"No one has been able to get hold of you for three days Beckett. Gates told us you quit and we wanted to make sure you were okay but no-one knew why you weren't answering calls. We even asked Castle if he knew anything. He said you guys had a fight?" Suddenly Kate was wide awake.

"Castle...where is he?" The pity in Ryan's eyes made her stomach sink as she realized that Castle must still be mad at her.

"Beckett, don't worry about him right now, we need to get you to a hospital, make sure you're doing okay."

"No, I'm fine. I don't need a hospital, I need to talk to Castle." Ryan and Esposito exchanged concerned glances as she tried to push herself up into a sitting position. The two long time partners conversed with their eyes that Beckett would usually be able to read, but currently could not be bothered with, then Ryan pulled out his phone and dialed a number as Espo turned back to speak with her.

"I'm not sure that talking to Castle is such a good idea right now Beckett. How about I get Lanie to come in and see you instead?"

Kate nodded submissively. She did not have the energy to get out of bed anyway. Closing her eyes she retreated back into the murky darkness that had become her only comfort in an otherwise bleak existence.

* * *

When she woke up again a blinding light was giving her a migraine, blocked only by the bossy figure of her best friend standing above her bed with her hands on her hips.

"Girl. I have been calling you for three days straight and nothin'. You scared me half to death." Kate felt a slight smile make its way across her face at the sound of Lanie's voice.

"I'm sorry Lanie." Her friend handed her a cup of water with a bendy straw coming out the top, and she sipped at it greedily. She suddenly realized that she was completely dehydrated and drained the cup in a single gulp, passing it back to Lanie to refill. The M.E. shook her head as she replied.

"Mmmhm and so you should be. Ignoring my calls. Hmph." The lighthearted tone in Lanie's voice canceled out any ire that the words might have otherwise contained, and Beckett smiled up at her best friend, before pulling the covers back over her head as the light fully hit her eyes. Speaking in a small voice she inquired, "Can you close the curtains? The light is hurting my eyes." Lanie's eyes were full of compassion as she sat down on the side of the bed.

"Sorry honey, I can't do that. You need to wake up. You've been sleeping for four days straight." Kate's eyes finally sprung wide open at the realization that although she'd been comfortable in her dream world, time had not been standing still. She sat upright.

"So...my fight with Castle...that wasn't just a really bad nightmare?" Lanie sighed, and Beckett instinctively knew that her world was still in pieces.

"Castle doesn't want to talk to you right now. I'm sorry honey." Closing her eyes once more, Kate tried to retreat back into the darkness, but her mind refused to let her. It had been processing while she slept, and now demanded that she deal with reality in her usual forthright manner. Opening her eyes once more she met Lanie's gaze and saw the pity that she has tried so hard to avoid eliciting ever since her mother died. The only problem was, this time, she did not have the strength to insist that she was fine.

"I've made such a mess of things, Lanie. I don't even know where to start putting the pieces back together." Lanie reached over and pulled her into a hug before replying sadly.

"Do you mean with Castle, or the job that you up and quit?" Looking up at her best friend miserably, Kate sat back on her bed. She crossed her legs and put her elbows on her knees, resting her chin on her hands.

"Both." Lanie nodded slowly.

"Well, Gates is willing to take you back once you've completed 12 mandated therapy sessions. Castle...I don't know honey, he's hurting pretty bad." Nodding, Beckett pushed the covers back and picked up her phone. 45 missed calls and 39 new voicemail messages. Rubbing her face with her hands she sighed.

"I guess it's time for me to face my demons. Thanks for everything Lanie."

"Anytime honey, call me if you need anything okay?"


	2. Chapter 2 (Rewritten)

**Upon reflection and reading through the reviews I have decided to completely re-do this chapter. Some of the reviews made the excellent point that Castle isn't an alcoholic, and as a father he wouldn't want to let down Alexis. I really appreciate the reviews and feedback - especially the constructive criticism! So here is my second attempt as I get more comfortable writing with these characters - let me know if the characters sound more like they should this time.**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing.**

* * *

Leaning back on his plush office chair with his legs on his desk in precisely the way Beckett would hate, Castle groaned in frustration. He had been staring at a blank page for three hours and...nothing. He had had writers block before. The dry spell before he met Beckett had been memorable. But this time it was different.

It wasn't that he had nothing to say. In fact, he had plenty to say. Words were screaming through his mind like an out of control train on rusty tracks. Words. And pictures. He had tried sleeping, but every time he closed his eyes he would see Beckett's stricken expression as he refused to accept her apology. Or the vulnerability in her eyes when she had first walked in the door and kissed him, tugging on his broken heart-strings as she begged and pleaded for his forgiveness. Her eyes couldn't lie...could they?

Regardless, this time, his writers block was built purely out of emotions that he could not face. Tempestuous, stormy, and overwhelming. He could not admit to himself that him and Beckett were done. But they had to be, he had to stick to his decision. She had come running to him after yet another near death experience, but he could not accept her words. He had wanted to believe her - to believe that she truly cared for him and wanted to be with him. But clinging to him whenever she faced a crisis in her life was becoming a pattern. As was pushing him away soon afterwards. And he could not get his hopes up again only to have his heart broken one more time. He had told her truth, he had reached his limits. He could not take another rejection from the person he loved more than life itself.

Unfortunately, he had had enough relationships to know that her words and actions were most likely the result of misattributed adrenaline. Fear and passion were emotions which could so easily become confused. It was almost like Beckett only allowed herself to feel and express love and affection if she had the excuse of being overwhelmed by fear.

But what kind of relationship could they possibly have if she would only allow herself to be vulnerable whenever she almost died.

No, if Castle was honest with himself, he still held a small flicker of hope that he and Beckett would eventually get together. Not anytime soon, but eventually. First she would need to learn how to be honest in a non-crisis situation - how to tell him how she felt without a concurrent plea for help.

That was what he would need to see from her in order to believe that her feelings for him were genuine, and not simply an escape from fear or loneliness. Because as much as he loved her, he was done being nothing more than her fallback guy and work colleague.

He did not regret the past four years. Beckett had helped him to finally grow up, and everyone around him had benefitted from the change. For the first time he knew what it was like to have a purpose in life - besides Alexis of course - but she had practically raised herself. He had realized that writing was not enough on its own, that he also needed to be doing something that directly impacted his community.

That aspect of not being able to work at the precinct was going to be hard to adjust to. He did not want to go back to being nothing more than a playboy millionaire. It had taken him too long to get himself to a place where he actually had a healthy level of self-respect.

There was something intrinsically satisfying about working each day to help those who could not help themselves, giving them a voice. He loved figuring out the stories behind each crime. His bridges at the precinct were probably burnt to a crisp at this point though. Ryan and Espo would always take Beckett's side - and rightly so, they were her friends fist.

Perhaps he could go a different direction entirely. Maybe crime journalism would be fun. That would combine both his passions and get him out on the field.

Suddenly rejuvenated, Castle went back into the other room to get his phone. It was time to call in a few favors at the local newspaper.

* * *

Over lunch with her best friend, Beckett went back and forth between fury, regret, and confusion at Castle's rejection. She knew she had blown it. Castle had been mad at her before. The worst had been after her shooting, when she had avoided him for months. It had been hard to regain his trust after that episode, but he had at least been willing to give her a chance.

This time was different. When he had told her to leave, his eyes had not been angry or hurt. They had been glazed over, emotionless, and dismissive. He had shut her out of his life and his heart, and there was nothing she could say to break through that wall. Castle was stubborn, and if he was determined to move on, there was nothing she could say that would change his mind.

On the other hand, maybe she shouldn't be groveling anyway. He had betrayed her by keeping a secret about her mothers case for a year. He had lied to her and broken the bond of trust between them. She had every right to be just as mad at him as he was at her.

Pulled back to reality when she realized she had scoffed down her entire grilled cheese sandwich, Beckett looked up at Lanie, who was looking at her with a concerned smirk and a raised eyebrow.

"You gonna tell me what's eating at you or do we need to do a forensic investigation of your relationship with Castle?"

"I don't want to talk about him." Pursing her lips, Lanie shook her head in disapproval.

"Okaay. But you know I'm here if you decide you need to talk." With a sigh Beckett decided it couldn't hurt to get some advice from her best friend.

"I want to fix things with him, Lanie. And I don't know, I don't think a grand gesture is going to do it, and I can't just turn up at a book signing again. It's more like he needs to see consistency from me in order to believe that my feelings for him are real. He's proven himself over 4 years of following me around on the job, maybe I could do the same. Be at all his book tour events, signings and readings. Prove to him that I'm not going anywhere."

Lanie's response was to express her disapproval in no uncertain terms. "That is a terrible idea girl. Only thing that's gonna result in is a restraining order. You gotta give him some time honey. Let the emotions settle down a bit then you guys might be able to talk."

Beckett grimaced and shook her head, no. "Space is the last thing I need right now."

"Have you ever considered that maybe it's what he needs? I love you Kate and you know I've always got your back, but honey you have put that man through hell. Maybe it's time you start thinking about what he needs to be happy instead of what you need from him."

Confused, Beckett frowned at her friend. "Are you seriously taking his side?"

Lanie laughed and shook her head slowly. "I'm on both of your sides. I see how much he's hurting, and I know how much you care about him. Everyone knows. I want you guys to find your way back to each other just as much as you do."

Irritated by the tears welling up in her eyes, the normally self-contained detective sniffed, blinked rapidly, and looked down at her drink. Head lowered and hands gripping her coffee mug tightly, she glanced up at her best friend sadly, "What if he never forgives me?"

Lanie took a deep breath before answering. "I hate to say it, but you're gonna have to come to terms with that possibility honey."

"I just wanna make him laugh again, Lanie. Make him happy."

The sincerity in Beckett's voice made Lanie's heart hurt for her normally tough friend. "Maybe at one point you could, but you gotta admit, lately you've put the man through a lot."

Kate replied in a low, barely audible voice. "I know."

Lanie continued speaking, more gently, but still in her usual direct manner. "Way I see it, what you and him had is too broken to fix. You both need to move on with your lives and put yourselves back together. Maybe one day you'll be able to start over but it's not going to be one of those "pick up where you left off" things. You and Castle are gonna need to completely rebuild from the ground up honey."

Kate pursed her lips and took a deep, frustrated breath, a little annoyed at her Lanie for being so direct. Running a hand through her hair at the back of her head and tugging at her roots, she closed her eyes and took a slow breath in through her nose. "So what am I supposed to do in the meantime, Lanie?"

Her best friends' eyes softened sympathetically, knowing that Kate was hurting even more than she let on, but still unable to soften the impact of the truth. "You gotta move on. Live your life without Castle and respect that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. You owe him that much."

Frowning and chewing on her bottom lip, Kate shrugged helplessly. "So, that's it. We're just done? I'm supposed to give up and not fight for him?"

Cracking a real smile for the first time that day, Lanie shook her head. "I didn't say that. The way that man loves you ain't gonna disappear over night. He'll come round. I promise. Now, I gotta get back to the precinct. You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine, you go." Nodding and waving goodbye to her friend, Beckett pulled herself together. She hadn't meant to get so emotional over lunch, or to admit to having any feelings about her estranged relationship with Castle at all. In fact, she was wishing that she had never met Richard Castle. At least then she could have gone home after a bad day, and escaped into one of his books. Apparently she was going to need to find a new favorite author. With a small smile flitting across her face as she finally decided on her plans for the afternoon, Kate paid the lunch bill and headed towards her favorite bookstore.


End file.
